Lost in 20's

Even though I feel like a misfit in my current job,  if nothing else then I've surely learnt the importance of self-sufficient in the past 16 months. I constantly try my best to maintain a work & life balance - else what is the difference between a human and a robot..
But in the last few days,  I switched off my cellphone that's constantly ringing from office calls, I'm taking permissions to work from home, I have drank 7 cups of coffee from morning,  skipping most of the meals in the week, scratching the paint from the wall,  digging the pain in my chest deeper to see where did I go wrong?  Or if at all Did I go wrong?  Letting my train of thoughts to console me somehow.  Once again broke down into tears today also, even after several times, all the advices from people around me eating up my head,  for they believe I'm in a bad place,  I'm depressed, anxious, all fancy stupid terms they call on me, as easily used as a hashtag...  No I'm not,  I'm not sad or angry, but confused. If 20's are allowed to be confused,yes I am, with all sorts of ups and downs, hit and trial but never giving up. Just a journey to set out to find what I'm supposed to do. Because What a woman goes through is not as easy or complicated but as intense as the phase of a moon. It is in the choice of where to find my answer? Have I failed with maintaining my relationship part, so Should I take the night flight to kiss him finally to feel complete or go wander in the Hills,which I mostly do when I feel no reason to exist.  What will find me the nameless thing that I'm searching, of nowhere?  What will fill my pockets, so that I will leave home calmly? Dear self,  you are not at a bad place, you are just not settling for what doesn't fill your heart with joy.  Go beyond horizons, go fearless,unveil the child in you, jump over the wall, catch it like a dragon tail and bring it back.  However hard it is bring it back! 

kanmai

I remember when my grandmother hides the kajal she makes out of a natural plant, she makes sure that it is out of my sight being a 5 year old. Yet my playful hands search for it all over the window slab, and I would run behind her pestering for it. In turn when I grew after years, she was behind me to wear the kajal she still makes, convincing me I would look beautiful. I did. but I would refuse to wear it. I was a stubborn heart since then. Now I could relate with it, have the time that life adult us  also make us shut the door to the little joys? It's been a long time I have laughed hard, making silly jokes at strangers to my siblings, picking up a dry flower from the road and taking it along home , or not eating dinner till my mom comes home, or trying to ride my cycle leaving both the hands in air. I have forgotten too many things, in the meanwhile trying to draw a masterpiece out of my life, have I missed out the little details? Today, after ages I took the kanmai(kajal) dabba from an old wooden box, which is all left of my grandma's memories and applied it on my eyes, we all need to get that thin line back what we are missing out in our lives in-between the run for big possessions. And I have to tell you I looked beautiful, once again.

A letter to him

I'm here to break my bones to carry your
pride;
I'm willing enough to struggle in your playful waves and tides;
The eternal truth, from me , how long will you hide?
Will you answer to the questions that is long ago ignited
inside?

Guru-Shishya

Like a stone thrown into a pond of water
You threw mercy upon the filthy me;
The water rippled and rippled,
knowing only where did it start from
not knowing where it takes to.
That is how the journey goes
with you,
my Guru.